I feel so exhausted sometimes…because some of the people who love me, do not know how to use their words. Some of them are so judgemental that I don’t see them in my life for much longer and I find myself silently mourning the connection that will transition into nothing.
Today. It’s the family I was born into. Today, my grandmothers words disappoint me. I respect it, but it disappoints me, because maybe with out realizing or meaning to she lies to me.
She tells me, “I can help you, but-.” I dispise the word but. When I’ve heard it too many times to bare there is usually a tick that will begin to happen, I won’t realize I’m holding my breath, my blood makes my body hot, and my vision isn’t so clear and no where near grounded.
I stop her somehow and take a deep breath. I am tired of trying to be assisted when the motive is control. So I tell her, “I was specific about how you can help. Now if you wish to offer something that is both unecessary and irrelevant to the ask then no. Do not help me then, because you are already being unhelpful.”
She pushes back wanting to make her point about helping me. So I repeat myself again. Still she does not see it. So she pushes, and when the word miscommunication leaves her lips I remember to breathe and find it in my right mind to end the conversation, because this won’t end with her. She has to be “right” and I have come a long enough way to know that I’m not interested in a fight. I’m not in the mood to convince anyone why I care about the people I do and why they deserve our help. I’m not in the mood convince this womyn who deems herself to walk with all these values, but when it comes time to put it to practice – there’s nothing, but the bull most people like to pat themselves on the back with- bare minimum.
It’s so interesting to me, even still, people’s definition of helping. Everyone’s definition is so so different and so I needed to see more. I needed to see if people who helped did so out of some self gain or because they really wanted to.
I look out at the family I’ve chosen. They smile. I feel better now. Not today they say. Tonight will be a good night. Tomorrow will be better. For now we are Oki, later we will revisit the conversation in a way that isn’t exhausting. I’m relieved and I let it go for now. Tonight I’m reminded to focus on the joy for now.