Do You.

When you stare into the mirror

Do you see yourself?

What do you look like?

Do you like you as much as I do?

Do your eyes still laugh

Even after the memory of his hands on your body rapes you for the millionth time?

Your smile. Does it shine? Does the corner of your mouth still sparkle as the memory of his attempts to break your face shakes you out of your sleep for the 3rd time tonight?

Tell me. I want to know. Where?

After the memory

Of all his rage,

Choking the life from you,

Reminds your lungs how to stop breathing,

Where does the air come

Allowing your eyes to open the next morning.

How have you remembered to breathe?

When you stare into the mirror

Are you alone?

Does mother look at you,

Eyes still covered,

Cuz your mouth remains mute,

To the reality in which you’ve been living.

Has mother been allowed to see all of you?

Do you see father peeking around the blindfold,

hoping to catch a glimpse of you,

Or does his front look very much like his back,

With no avenue for sound to reach him.

Tell me. I want to know. When.

When the last born came crying,

Announcing itself,

Was it then?

Was it then that 3 became 1,

And you the outside participant to a unit

That felt complete enough for them.

When you wake up in the morning,

Dragging yourself nakedly to the mirror,

Tell me. I want to know. Do you see you like I do?

Have you fallen in love with each,

Permanently newly placed decoration,

Healing on your skin?

Are you trippin off that mouth, Like I do,

With its capacity to cause just as much damage as it seeks to create & heal.

When you let go and move to the drum beat

Do you feel as free as I do?

Did you know that freedom taste as light as I feel when we’re in sync?

Tell me. I want to know.

If you’ve married yourself yet?

Have you given every inch of self validation?

have you given you worth? Have you let yourself into every crevice of your humanity, so I could find a home there too.

Tell me. Do you know? Cuz I need to.

When You Tell Me You’re Fine.

Tell me, How ya feeling fine,

When ya downing half the bottle,

And ya smiles become the

Stamped frown that you wear?

Tell me, How ya feeling fine,

When ya Pullin so hard

Cuz reality sucks

And the escapes no betta?

Tell me how ya feelin fine,

When they got you livin lies

Lovin on ya body

That you don’t wanna share?

If feelin fine means

I’m living for you

To dictate my moves

Cuz the vision of self don’t exists;

Then I guess it’s time to cut the cord,

Break loose, and redefine what great should look like.

between.

im sitting here. sitting between all the i hate yous
and i love yous,
wandering through left over trauma,
potential missed connections,
wondering if you’re there
sitting in it too?

they told me i’d find you here.
stuck somehwere between 2001 and 2017.
running cirlces around a choice
we thought we made.

they’re sitting there. in between all the i hate yous
and i love yous,
paitently waiting for an answer,
childishly unmoving.

they told me i’d find you here.
out here sifiting. sifting through the amount of wealth
birthed from intuition.
told me not to let you wander on for too long
when things were just getting good.

she was sitting between all the i love yous
and i hate yous,
until the sun birthed another eden
and she found herself never in want again.

 

Part III

I didn’t understand it.

Where had she gone?

This little girl

Who looked so much like me

Is smiling.

reaching out her hand

Waiting. For me.

I want to smack her hand away,

I want to cover her eyes,

Make her look away from

Who we be.

I don’t want her to know

How we got here.

Without my consent

She grabs a hold of my arm

Dragging me down to her level.

‘I want to see you’ she says.

So I tell her ‘truth. You make me want to run’.

I move her hand away,

So she grabs a fistful of skirt

And her warning is clear.

She will tug, allow herself to be dragged

If she needs to.

Still smiling she tells me

‘This is too important.’

‘I need you to smile now.’

‘I need you to remember joy.’

So again it cracks. Effortlessly this time.

That fine mask,

so well polished,

painted to perfection

is peeled away by small fingers

Hoping to keep you around this time.

Piece by piece,

She does away with the falsehood

Apathy created,

Leaving you bare.

Naked as the day we were born.

Smiling.

This little girl

Living in the joy of my smile.

She tells me ‘welcome home.’

I am the before and I am the after.

Where.

Here. Ravished, Devoured after our love making. Here, Where limbs seek one another. Where everyday is joy. Is where I wanted to stay with you. [where’d you go]