between.

im sitting here. sitting between all the i hate yous
and i love yous,
wandering through left over trauma,
potential missed connections,
wondering if you’re there
sitting in it too?

they told me i’d find you here.
stuck somehwere between 2001 and 2017.
running cirlces around a choice
we thought we made.

they’re sitting there. in between all the i hate yous
and i love yous,
paitently waiting for an answer,
childishly unmoving.

they told me i’d find you here.
out here sifiting. sifting through the amount of wealth
birthed from intuition.
told me not to let you wander on for too long
when things were just getting good.

she was sitting between all the i love yous
and i hate yous,
until the sun birthed another eden
and she found herself never in want again.

 

in the how.

i wanna be in love
not in lust.
show you that i am about we
just as much as i am about me.
i wanna rewrite the scriptures
so we can find our refelction
painted across ancient temples;
we are the heavens
let them praise our name.

i wanna be in awe
not in envy.
show you that i am the catalyst
to your creativity,
i wanna make you laugh
songs into exsistence.
i wanna make you cry in joy
lets recreate the universe;
i want to see you on top.

i wanna be in healing with you
not just theory.
lead fearlessly in vulnerability
only to be reminded that you are the kinder one.
when it counts. it matters.
i wanna be everything they said i couldnt be
and find it effortlessly to be with you.
when it counts. it matters.

I wanna be forgiving with sight in mind,
peel back the layers you hide underneath,
because its your imperfections that hold more truth.
i want it to be just the right amount of difficult,
just the right amount of time apart,
because enough time lapsed leaves too much room,
and just too much time for stubborness to take root;
it keeps us off balance.
so it reminds us the point is to work at it.
see when it counts, it matters.

see i want you to understand that its not just about
how you put things back together,
but also how you let them fall apart.
and that sometimes, if not most times,
its how the breaking down of what came to be
is what becomes the deciding factor
of how you choose to rise up
or how you choose to let go.

love?

you forgot how to be in love.
truth.
you didn’t know how to be in love to begin with.
go back to the beginning and tell me,
who you fell out of love with?
who kept you running in circles
vying for their attention
and tell me,
what your definition of love is?

clarify it for me. tell me where you stand these days.
has it changed?
does your definition of love
make you stirr in your sleep?
make you come endlessly from ya wet dreamin?
tell me. clarify it for me.
do even remember what hurting feels like
when you give it out so easily without mercy.

tell me, does it soothe you?
does it make you exhault my name?
does it bring you on to the tips of your toes
cuz it makes you want to float away?
tell me. clarify it for me. does it enlighten you?
has the universe come to make more sense
now that you think you hold it in the palms of your hands?

you still havent told me. your definition of love that is.
do you wake up inspired by the creativity
bursting from behind closed eyelids
right before she’s about to wake up?
has it left you speechless?
when there are no more words do you cry instead,
because you’re that overwhelmed with joy.
does it make you want to find a million ways
to express gratitude,
because thank you just doesn’t feel like enough.

do you know what love is?
do you think you could ever understand?
tell me something.
have you even bothered to ask yourself the question?

Part III

I didn’t understand it.

Where had she gone?

This little girl

Who looked so much like me

Is smiling.

reaching out her hand

Waiting. For me.

I want to smack her hand away,

I want to cover her eyes,

Make her look away from

Who we be.

I don’t want her to know

How we got here.

Without my consent

She grabs a hold of my arm

Dragging me down to her level.

‘I want to see you’ she says.

So I tell her ‘truth. You make me want to run’.

I move her hand away,

So she grabs a fistful of skirt

And her warning is clear.

She will tug, allow herself to be dragged

If she needs to.

Still smiling she tells me

‘This is too important.’

‘I need you to smile now.’

‘I need you to remember joy.’

So again it cracks. Effortlessly this time.

That fine mask,

so well polished,

painted to perfection

is peeled away by small fingers

Hoping to keep you around this time.

Piece by piece,

She does away with the falsehood

Apathy created,

Leaving you bare.

Naked as the day we were born.

Smiling.

This little girl

Living in the joy of my smile.

She tells me ‘welcome home.’

I am the before and I am the after.

Part II

I didn’t understand it.

I wondered,

Where had she gone?

This little girl

Who looked so much like me

Was smiling.

Tapping uniform heels together,

Maybe one more time

And we’d be transported back home.

Transport me back to ‘the before’.

Before that bubbled way of living

Became cold,

Back to the before

You fell out of love with self,

Back to the before

We woke up living two miles away

From the sanctuary our family was birthed in.

Back before home became lie

And lie became the out to all our problems.

Take me back to the before

Where the courage to be brave still exists

And the thought of becoming a coward scared you more so we lived out more of our truths.