When I find myself beginning to struggle through a triggering moment, I will consciously stop what I am doing and take my first deep breath.
1) the first breath always helps to calm the anxiety/excitement that I am feeling. #breathe #repeat
2) my second breath helps to slow down any racing thoughts. #breathe #repeat
3) my last breath makes it easier for me to listen & remain present. #breathe #repeat
When you stare into the mirror
Do you see yourself?
What do you look like?
Do you like you as much as I do?
Do your eyes still laugh
Even after the memory of his hands on your body rapes you for the millionth time?
Your smile. Does it shine? Does the corner of your mouth still sparkle as the memory of his attempts to break your face shakes you out of your sleep for the 3rd time tonight?
Tell me. I want to know. Where?
After the memory
Of all his rage,
Choking the life from you,
Reminds your lungs how to stop breathing,
Where does the air come
Allowing your eyes to open the next morning.
How have you remembered to breathe?
When you stare into the mirror
Are you alone?
Does mother look at you,
Eyes still covered,
Cuz your mouth remains mute,
To the reality in which you’ve been living.
Has mother been allowed to see all of you?
Do you see father peeking around the blindfold,
hoping to catch a glimpse of you,
Or does his front look very much like his back,
With no avenue for sound to reach him.
Tell me. I want to know. When.
When the last born came crying,
Announcing itself,
Was it then?
Was it then that 3 became 1,
And you the outside participant to a unit
That felt complete enough for them.
When you wake up in the morning,
Dragging yourself nakedly to the mirror,
Tell me. I want to know. Do you see you like I do?
Have you fallen in love with each,
Permanently newly placed decoration,
Healing on your skin?
Are you trippin off that mouth, Like I do,
With its capacity to cause just as much damage as it seeks to create & heal.
When you let go and move to the drum beat
Do you feel as free as I do?
Did you know that freedom taste as light as I feel when we’re in sync?
Tell me. I want to know.
If you’ve married yourself yet?
Have you given every inch of self validation?
have you given you worth? Have you let yourself into every crevice of your humanity, so I could find a home there too.
Tell me. Do you know? Cuz I need to.
you forgot how to be in love.
truth.
you didn’t know how to be in love to begin with.
go back to the beginning and tell me,
who you fell out of love with?
who kept you running in circles
vying for their attention
and tell me,
what your definition of love is?
clarify it for me. tell me where you stand these days.
has it changed?
does your definition of love
make you stirr in your sleep?
make you come endlessly from ya wet dreamin?
tell me. clarify it for me.
do even remember what hurting feels like
when you give it out so easily without mercy.
tell me, does it soothe you?
does it make you exhault my name?
does it bring you on to the tips of your toes
cuz it makes you want to float away?
tell me. clarify it for me. does it enlighten you?
has the universe come to make more sense
now that you think you hold it in the palms of your hands?
you still havent told me. your definition of love that is.
do you wake up inspired by the creativity
bursting from behind closed eyelids
right before she’s about to wake up?
has it left you speechless?
when there are no more words do you cry instead,
because you’re that overwhelmed with joy.
does it make you want to find a million ways
to express gratitude,
because thank you just doesn’t feel like enough.
do you know what love is?
do you think you could ever understand?
tell me something.
have you even bothered to ask yourself the question?
they walked.
sometimes they even held hands.
he watched her smile for the sun.
the sun always came first.
then him.
reaching out for jasmine flowers,
watching gentle tips caress their edges
he wondered how she could smile any wider.
“they’re beautiful don’t you think?”
trapped by the only flower he bothered
to replant in his garden
he drifted up towards the sun nodding.
“yes, you are.”
Silence was the past time
Until her hips sung across
Wooden floorboards;
She’s got me spinning in circles.
I yearned for night
And she brought with her the day;
Fire, unflinching,
Even as my waves
Touch the tips of her flame.
Jari G. Planning 