You’re everything that I am not. Thank Allah for that, because I love being me even when life becomes difficult.
Do You.
When you stare into the mirror
Do you see yourself?
What do you look like?
Do you like you as much as I do?
Do your eyes still laugh
Even after the memory of his hands on your body rapes you for the millionth time?
Your smile. Does it shine? Does the corner of your mouth still sparkle as the memory of his attempts to break your face shakes you out of your sleep for the 3rd time tonight?
Tell me. I want to know. Where?
After the memory
Of all his rage,
Choking the life from you,
Reminds your lungs how to stop breathing,
Where does the air come
Allowing your eyes to open the next morning.
How have you remembered to breathe?
When you stare into the mirror
Are you alone?
Does mother look at you,
Eyes still covered,
Cuz your mouth remains mute,
To the reality in which you’ve been living.
Has mother been allowed to see all of you?
Do you see father peeking around the blindfold,
hoping to catch a glimpse of you,
Or does his front look very much like his back,
With no avenue for sound to reach him.
Tell me. I want to know. When.
When the last born came crying,
Announcing itself,
Was it then?
Was it then that 3 became 1,
And you the outside participant to a unit
That felt complete enough for them.
When you wake up in the morning,
Dragging yourself nakedly to the mirror,
Tell me. I want to know. Do you see you like I do?
Have you fallen in love with each,
Permanently newly placed decoration,
Healing on your skin?
Are you trippin off that mouth, Like I do,
With its capacity to cause just as much damage as it seeks to create & heal.
When you let go and move to the drum beat
Do you feel as free as I do?
Did you know that freedom taste as light as I feel when we’re in sync?
Tell me. I want to know.
If you’ve married yourself yet?
Have you given every inch of self validation?
have you given you worth? Have you let yourself into every crevice of your humanity, so I could find a home there too.
Tell me. Do you know? Cuz I need to.
two wholes.
I’m tired dying
Moving slow
Feeling low
Actin like I got no place to go.
But it’s hard out here
Where loves got
Billions of different definitions
And potential lovers
are being gunned down
Every Otha minute
Just for living while black.
In the crypt before their time
Trynna forced me to let go of what I know
In my gut as truth
For options that honestly
Ain’t too appetizing. So I starve.
I’m tired of dyin.
These days I got it togetha
Yet they hella lifted,
They waiting, yeah they hoping
A homie fails
Goes back to the unworthy
Shit is reckless.
Energy got me trynna
Skip to new tune
And I ain’t trynna have all that.
Yeah I’m skipping steps
To this process;
It’s gotten easier
As I’ve come to know myself.
See I’ve been through worse
So I have an idea of what’s better.
But don’t get it confused
It don’t mean imma settle,
If anything lovin me is harder,
That’s what happens when you have standards,
When self love can only recognize self love
In another
Cuz building you up ain’t what I’m here for.
You gotta do that yourself,
Cuz only two wholes
Can stand true together.
Part III
I didn’t understand it.
Where had she gone?
This little girl
Who looked so much like me
Is smiling.
reaching out her hand
Waiting. For me.
I want to smack her hand away,
I want to cover her eyes,
Make her look away from
Who we be.
I don’t want her to know
How we got here.
Without my consent
She grabs a hold of my arm
Dragging me down to her level.
‘I want to see you’ she says.
So I tell her ‘truth. You make me want to run’.
I move her hand away,
So she grabs a fistful of skirt
And her warning is clear.
She will tug, allow herself to be dragged
If she needs to.
Still smiling she tells me
‘This is too important.’
‘I need you to smile now.’
‘I need you to remember joy.’
So again it cracks. Effortlessly this time.
That fine mask,
so well polished,
painted to perfection
is peeled away by small fingers
Hoping to keep you around this time.
Piece by piece,
She does away with the falsehood
Apathy created,
Leaving you bare.
Naked as the day we were born.
Smiling.
This little girl
Living in the joy of my smile.
She tells me ‘welcome home.’
I am the before and I am the after.
Jari G. Planning 