When I find myself beginning to struggle through a triggering moment, I will consciously stop what I am doing and take my first deep breath.
1) the first breath always helps to calm the anxiety/excitement that I am feeling. #breathe #repeat
2) my second breath helps to slow down any racing thoughts. #breathe #repeat
3) my last breath makes it easier for me to listen & remain present. #breathe #repeat
When you stare into the mirror
Do you see yourself?
What do you look like?
Do you like you as much as I do?
Do your eyes still laugh
Even after the memory of his hands on your body rapes you for the millionth time?
Your smile. Does it shine? Does the corner of your mouth still sparkle as the memory of his attempts to break your face shakes you out of your sleep for the 3rd time tonight?
Tell me. I want to know. Where?
After the memory
Of all his rage,
Choking the life from you,
Reminds your lungs how to stop breathing,
Where does the air come
Allowing your eyes to open the next morning.
How have you remembered to breathe?
When you stare into the mirror
Are you alone?
Does mother look at you,
Eyes still covered,
Cuz your mouth remains mute,
To the reality in which you’ve been living.
Has mother been allowed to see all of you?
Do you see father peeking around the blindfold,
hoping to catch a glimpse of you,
Or does his front look very much like his back,
With no avenue for sound to reach him.
Tell me. I want to know. When.
When the last born came crying,
Announcing itself,
Was it then?
Was it then that 3 became 1,
And you the outside participant to a unit
That felt complete enough for them.
When you wake up in the morning,
Dragging yourself nakedly to the mirror,
Tell me. I want to know. Do you see you like I do?
Have you fallen in love with each,
Permanently newly placed decoration,
Healing on your skin?
Are you trippin off that mouth, Like I do,
With its capacity to cause just as much damage as it seeks to create & heal.
When you let go and move to the drum beat
Do you feel as free as I do?
Did you know that freedom taste as light as I feel when we’re in sync?
Tell me. I want to know.
If you’ve married yourself yet?
Have you given every inch of self validation?
have you given you worth? Have you let yourself into every crevice of your humanity, so I could find a home there too.
Tell me. Do you know? Cuz I need to.
I’m tired dying
Moving slow
Feeling low
Actin like I got no place to go.
But it’s hard out here
Where loves got
Billions of different definitions
And potential lovers
are being gunned down
Every Otha minute
Just for living while black.
In the crypt before their time
Trynna forced me to let go of what I know
In my gut as truth
For options that honestly
Ain’t too appetizing. So I starve.
I’m tired of dyin.
These days I got it togetha
Yet they hella lifted,
They waiting, yeah they hoping
A homie fails
Goes back to the unworthy
Shit is reckless.
Energy got me trynna
Skip to new tune
And I ain’t trynna have all that.
Yeah I’m skipping steps
To this process;
It’s gotten easier
As I’ve come to know myself.
See I’ve been through worse
So I have an idea of what’s better.
But don’t get it confused
It don’t mean imma settle,
If anything lovin me is harder,
That’s what happens when you have standards,
When self love can only recognize self love
In another
Cuz building you up ain’t what I’m here for.
You gotta do that yourself,
Cuz only two wholes
Can stand true together.
im sitting here. sitting between all the i hate yous
and i love yous,
wandering through left over trauma,
potential missed connections,
wondering if you’re there
sitting in it too?
they told me i’d find you here.
stuck somehwere between 2001 and 2017.
running cirlces around a choice
we thought we made.
they’re sitting there. in between all the i hate yous
and i love yous,
paitently waiting for an answer,
childishly unmoving.
they told me i’d find you here.
out here sifiting. sifting through the amount of wealth
birthed from intuition.
told me not to let you wander on for too long
when things were just getting good.
she was sitting between all the i love yous
and i hate yous,
until the sun birthed another eden
and she found herself never in want again.
i wanna be in love
not in lust.
show you that i am about we
just as much as i am about me.
i wanna rewrite the scriptures
so we can find our refelction
painted across ancient temples;
we are the heavens
let them praise our name.
i wanna be in awe
not in envy.
show you that i am the catalyst
to your creativity,
i wanna make you laugh
songs into exsistence.
i wanna make you cry in joy
lets recreate the universe;
i want to see you on top.
i wanna be in healing with you
not just theory.
lead fearlessly in vulnerability
only to be reminded that you are the kinder one.
when it counts. it matters.
i wanna be everything they said i couldnt be
and find it effortlessly to be with you.
when it counts. it matters.
I wanna be forgiving with sight in mind,
peel back the layers you hide underneath,
because its your imperfections that hold more truth.
i want it to be just the right amount of difficult,
just the right amount of time apart,
because enough time lapsed leaves too much room,
and just too much time for stubborness to take root;
it keeps us off balance.
so it reminds us the point is to work at it.
see when it counts, it matters.
see i want you to understand that its not just about
how you put things back together,
but also how you let them fall apart.
and that sometimes, if not most times,
its how the breaking down of what came to be
is what becomes the deciding factor
of how you choose to rise up
or how you choose to let go.
Jari G. Planning 