Do You.

When you stare into the mirror

Do you see yourself?

What do you look like?

Do you like you as much as I do?

Do your eyes still laugh

Even after the memory of his hands on your body rapes you for the millionth time?

Your smile. Does it shine? Does the corner of your mouth still sparkle as the memory of his attempts to break your face shakes you out of your sleep for the 3rd time tonight?

Tell me. I want to know. Where?

After the memory

Of all his rage,

Choking the life from you,

Reminds your lungs how to stop breathing,

Where does the air come

Allowing your eyes to open the next morning.

How have you remembered to breathe?

When you stare into the mirror

Are you alone?

Does mother look at you,

Eyes still covered,

Cuz your mouth remains mute,

To the reality in which you’ve been living.

Has mother been allowed to see all of you?

Do you see father peeking around the blindfold,

hoping to catch a glimpse of you,

Or does his front look very much like his back,

With no avenue for sound to reach him.

Tell me. I want to know. When.

When the last born came crying,

Announcing itself,

Was it then?

Was it then that 3 became 1,

And you the outside participant to a unit

That felt complete enough for them.

When you wake up in the morning,

Dragging yourself nakedly to the mirror,

Tell me. I want to know. Do you see you like I do?

Have you fallen in love with each,

Permanently newly placed decoration,

Healing on your skin?

Are you trippin off that mouth, Like I do,

With its capacity to cause just as much damage as it seeks to create & heal.

When you let go and move to the drum beat

Do you feel as free as I do?

Did you know that freedom taste as light as I feel when we’re in sync?

Tell me. I want to know.

If you’ve married yourself yet?

Have you given every inch of self validation?

have you given you worth? Have you let yourself into every crevice of your humanity, so I could find a home there too.

Tell me. Do you know? Cuz I need to.

Part III

I didn’t understand it.

Where had she gone?

This little girl

Who looked so much like me

Is smiling.

reaching out her hand

Waiting. For me.

I want to smack her hand away,

I want to cover her eyes,

Make her look away from

Who we be.

I don’t want her to know

How we got here.

Without my consent

She grabs a hold of my arm

Dragging me down to her level.

‘I want to see you’ she says.

So I tell her ‘truth. You make me want to run’.

I move her hand away,

So she grabs a fistful of skirt

And her warning is clear.

She will tug, allow herself to be dragged

If she needs to.

Still smiling she tells me

‘This is too important.’

‘I need you to smile now.’

‘I need you to remember joy.’

So again it cracks. Effortlessly this time.

That fine mask,

so well polished,

painted to perfection

is peeled away by small fingers

Hoping to keep you around this time.

Piece by piece,

She does away with the falsehood

Apathy created,

Leaving you bare.

Naked as the day we were born.

Smiling.

This little girl

Living in the joy of my smile.

She tells me ‘welcome home.’

I am the before and I am the after.

don’t let me.

Don’t let me show ugliness

I’m not broken.

I’ve fertilized the soil

For my soul

I’m not trying to go back,

Don’t let me show ugliness.

They said it’s time

To grow up,

That cruelty has no place

Where love chooses to exist.

I wanna see them like you see me

But unblind to the reality of the life we’re living.

I can’t front to be

That naive girl

Back in ‘03

New me just wont stand for it.

This is what knowledge does,

Lift the veil,

Bringing sight to the blind,

Can’t keep moving the same way

I’m used to

less I wanna relapse

Like a a bad habit.

I used to want to erase memories

I thought were killing me

But I’ve learned how to smile through the pain.

I learned how to remember for strength,

Cuz sometimes we need a reminder of how far we’ve come.

To remember

How so unlike ourselves we’ve become.

Becoming.

Don’t let me show ugliness.

tres.

hey you.
its been a while.
it took a bit, but i’ve managed
to finally get your attention.
i knew you couldnt resist,
it was just a matter of time before
you got bored, overwhelmed, ticked off
to the point of needing me to cope.
to deal like i’ve always done,
like i always do.
its about time ya know. shoulda came to me sooner.
i would’ve sorted out these feels for ya
but its like there’s no trust in my capacity
to dip this tongue in empathy.
a shame really. didnt ya know my bag is full of wonderful tricks.
one side of me | tres